cygny: White swan (Default)
[personal profile] cygny
Today I went to a training at work and the trainer was a psychologist. During one of our breaks, I asked her if she worked for people like me as well. I told her that several people told me that maybe I should think of going to see a psychologist. Now I'm usually very sensitive to other people and feared that if I ever saw one, the chance was that I'd come out worse off, if it didn't click between us. But since I liked her, I talked to her and she said I should contact her if I needed. Another thing she told me, after listening only a few minutes, that since I used to like writing, I should perhaps try to write about how I feel. I had actually been contemplating participating in Nanowrimo about this subject but thought I'd never make the 50000 words since writing has also become harder than it did.

I have a hard time talking about this to people. Often people don't understand and even more often they tell me perfectly logical things (you made so much progress, it could be much worse, things will work out) which I do know but which don't help me when I'm feeling down. And I do feel down a lot. I also usually climb back on top myself. So I think that maybe I won't go see a psychologist but who knows, writing might indeed help.

One of the reasons I have a hard time talking to people is because often I think that I'm exaggerating things. That indeed things could be much worse and that there are so many people who have it a lot worse than me. I did indeed make tremendous progress during those first months, I did a lot of exercises and that really helped. But right now it's like I'm running into a wall. Exercises don't help now, my brain just needs time to heal. And I do admit I'm not the most patient person when it comes to doing nothing. I notice that a lot of things I used to take for granted and which are important to me (the use of language, reading) have suddenly become really difficult. People see how I've made progress and don't see the fatigue and difficulty of talking when I'm at home among my family. They don't notice I have a hard time following conversations sometimes and that all of a sudden, noises are too loud.

I'm really lucky with my family (Tom, the kids and mother-in-law mostly) and with my work place, who are keeping my spot open, and several colleagues who always make me feel welcome. And then that feeling comes again and I annoy myself for not feeling lucky. I have a feeling I'm repeating myself but there are a lot of contradictions in my emotional life at the moment. If I do continue with this diary, then this is a topic that will surely come back. And if I do continue, I think I'll start this from the start, in case anyone reads this and who doesn't know what happened to me those months ago. If you do read, thank you for doing so. And don't worry if you don't. I should really do this for myself mostly, the psychologist says ;-)

Date: 2016-10-13 05:52 am (UTC)
ariadnem: (Cute fairy)
From: [personal profile] ariadnem
Hey love!

I think, after reading your post, that you are doing well in terms of what is expected of you.

However, I also think you are much entitled to feel what you are feeling. Some days will be better than others. Some days you might want to stay in bed away from the noise and the world, and that's OK. Some days you'll look for that same noise just to know it's there. Just try and be gentle to yourself, I know it's hard, but whenever you can, cut yourself some slack. Yes, you are lucky, because yes, it could've been worse; but also, yes, it's OK to not see all the bright colours all the time.

Take your time to heal. Patience is not something that comes as easy as it might sound; but remember, these baby steps, this writing and doing this for yourself, will show you one day, what you have accomplished in the path to your recovery. You're doing this for yourself, and the family and friends will be part of it, too.

Forgive me for being such a bad friend. Between G and my jobs I hardly have any time for myself, and although it's not an excuse, it's a reason why I don't roam online as much anymore. But you know what? I'm also learning to be gentle to myself, and I'm also learning to be patient; so perhaps, we can learn together even if from far away.

Love you much.


Date: 2016-10-17 08:21 pm (UTC)
enigel: Ronon Dex hugging Carson Beckett (*hugs*)
From: [personal profile] enigel
*hugs* E-hugs feel insufficient, but they're yours if they're welcome.

I miss you! When I revisit LJ and Dreamwidth I often wonder what are my old friends doing. I was hoping you were busy with your new job and family. I'm sorry to hear this happened to you instead.

Sometimes all you need is to vent, without well-meaning people reminding you of how you "should" feel. Your feelings are valid!

The advantage of a therapist is that they're paid to listen to you, they can't refuse the venting. ;)


cygny: White swan (Default)

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