cygny: White swan (Default)
Today I went to a training at work and the trainer was a psychologist. During one of our breaks, I asked her if she worked for people like me as well. I told her that several people told me that maybe I should think of going to see a psychologist. Now I'm usually very sensitive to other people and feared that if I ever saw one, the chance was that I'd come out worse off, if it didn't click between us. But since I liked her, I talked to her and she said I should contact her if I needed. Another thing she told me, after listening only a few minutes, that since I used to like writing, I should perhaps try to write about how I feel. I had actually been contemplating participating in Nanowrimo about this subject but thought I'd never make the 50000 words since writing has also become harder than it did.

I have a hard time talking about this to people. Often people don't understand and even more often they tell me perfectly logical things (you made so much progress, it could be much worse, things will work out) which I do know but which don't help me when I'm feeling down. And I do feel down a lot. I also usually climb back on top myself. So I think that maybe I won't go see a psychologist but who knows, writing might indeed help.

One of the reasons I have a hard time talking to people is because often I think that I'm exaggerating things. That indeed things could be much worse and that there are so many people who have it a lot worse than me. I did indeed make tremendous progress during those first months, I did a lot of exercises and that really helped. But right now it's like I'm running into a wall. Exercises don't help now, my brain just needs time to heal. And I do admit I'm not the most patient person when it comes to doing nothing. I notice that a lot of things I used to take for granted and which are important to me (the use of language, reading) have suddenly become really difficult. People see how I've made progress and don't see the fatigue and difficulty of talking when I'm at home among my family. They don't notice I have a hard time following conversations sometimes and that all of a sudden, noises are too loud.

I'm really lucky with my family (Tom, the kids and mother-in-law mostly) and with my work place, who are keeping my spot open, and several colleagues who always make me feel welcome. And then that feeling comes again and I annoy myself for not feeling lucky. I have a feeling I'm repeating myself but there are a lot of contradictions in my emotional life at the moment. If I do continue with this diary, then this is a topic that will surely come back. And if I do continue, I think I'll start this from the start, in case anyone reads this and who doesn't know what happened to me those months ago. If you do read, thank you for doing so. And don't worry if you don't. I should really do this for myself mostly, the psychologist says ;-)
cygny: White swan (Default)
Oh wow, I keep wanting to post here but never seem to get around to it. But now I really want something off my chest and I don't want to do it completely publicly on Facebook. I will share a link to this with my fandom group on FB though, since I doubt many people still read here directly. But I do want to talk about something and don't want most people to know, I am still a bit private in many regards.

I think FB is a great way to stay in touch with people but as I'm typing this, I feel my English has gotten worse. I'm not used to writing longer texts anymore. And I do miss it. So here goes.

As most of you probably know, I have been going to nursing school for the last three years. Those three years have both been very rewarding and very tiring. For the first two years, Roeland woke up nearly every night. I also demanded a lot of myself, too much some of my teachers used to say. But I had a lot riding on this and I didn't want to do exams over. In the end it all paid off when I graduated cum laude. It was even more of a surprise when a lot of other people I thought would also have cum laude, didn't. It's not that I feel better than others and I haven't shared this with any of my fellow students, but I am proud of myself and what I did.

After those three years, I thought I deserved a bit of holidays so I decided not to start working before September (I regret that a bit since my unemployment fee for this summer is at its lowest, but well). It has been a great summer with the kids. Roeland is a sweetie, who loves to cuddle and who will probably have a hard time seeing mum much less now. Alby has seriously hit puberty so we've had a bit of tension, but when it comes down to it, he's there for me.

So tomorrow I start the new job. It's at a retirement home, something which I said I would rather not do. But on the other hand, I'm getting a serious opportunity here. One of the head nurses they have there is not doing her work as she should and they won't renew her contract at the end of the year. They are offering me the job as of January. This means working 4/5 days and going back to school one day a week. This also means that I would be head nurse with only four months experience as a nurse. On one hand, I'm really excited about this, on the other hand it freaks me out. I talked about this with a few teachers and they are telling me that if my employers think I can, I should as well. Being a head nurse is also a lot about coordinating and about communicating, things which I believe I am quite good at. But I'm sure the next months will be extremely stressful for me.

As if that wasn't enough, Tom's also having some problems at work. Not that anyone has been making trouble for him, but they fired his boss without warning and he now has a new boss and she's somewhat of a bitch. The whole company is somewhat annoying so with all that happened, he now decided to apply for a few jobs (not that there are many in his branch) and two days later, he had a new job. It's only 8 hours a week but he hopes that it will expand into something more. He's keeping his current job and he'll be teaching evening school two evenings a week until January. If they have enough hours, enough students, it'll be prolonged in January and could even be more evenings or on Saturday. He had been playing with becoming a teacher for a while now so it's a wonderful opportunity. However he's never taught anything but badminton to kids, so he's really nervous about this. This also means that we have to arrange for someone to take care of the kids when I have a late shift and he's away on Monday and Wednesday evenings. If I should become head nurse in January, that problem won't pose itself anymore because head nurses usually only have day shifts.

So yeah, a lot of exciting stuff happening but also a lot of stress for now. I could use some peptalk from you guys ;-)

Sorry that my first post since such a long time is like this, but I really needed to get this off my chest :P Thanks for reading. Love you guys and feels good to be on LJ again :D
cygny: White swan (Default)
And we're reading again! I have to say that the icon is appropriate though, because it took me several months to finish this last book. But I'll try to read again during lunch breaks (if LJ doesn't distract me :P). And now that Roeland starts sleeping a bit better, I might just find the energy to read half an hour before bed.

I just updated my Goodreads page and am seriously considering making one for Alby as well. I should check if I can find his books on it. He is reading a lot of of comics (Jommeke is his favourite - I'm not sure it exists in other languages and if it does, I have no idea how it's called) and still is addicted to everything Geronimo Stilton. I'm trying to get him to read something a bit more difficult, but he's still too impatient to read anything which takes much longer.
And maybe Roeland will get one too, although he doesn't read himself yet (obviously). He loves being read short stories though, he always smiles. One can never start too early to get kids addicted to books. And if I keep buying books for him at the rate I've been going the past weeks, our house will be too small within a year ^^;;;
cygny: White swan (Default)
Does any of you know if there are sites where one can find free sheet music?

More specifically I'm looking for the sheet music of Wagner's 'Ring des Nibelungen' and of 'Chanson de Roland'.

If I find them and we manage to finish the project we have in mind to our satisfaction, I'll post the finished results ;)
cygny: White swan (Default)
I'm in such a foul mood today! Okay, so I've got a cold and my headache won't go away, Roeland also has somewhat of a cold which makes me a tad worried. But that shouldn't put me in such a mood. Everyone annoys me, everything pisses me off, food doesn't taste good and I've cried more than I laughed already. And I hate every moment of it. Oh well, I guess it'll pass eventually.

And this is the perfect time for trying out the crossposting thing, although I prefer my comments in LJ :)

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